Next week is my final week of classes.
Two classes, four (70 + problem) assignments, and two exams.
That's what stands between me and summer break.
I have this whimsical idea that may, just maybe, once finals are done I'll be happier. Less stressed. More fun. You see, I have this problem with enjoying the moment. Slowing down and enjoy my daughter playing in the springer instead of dreading the meltdown that will ensue afterward or the mountain of homework I have to dig myself out from under once she's finally given in and fallen asleep. Just maybe, I'll be able to relax. But probably not. Because there will be a list of to dos, want to reads, packing, vacations and races that will fill summer to the brim. So how do I slow down and find joy where I am?
To be honest, I'm not really sure.
While I'm doing homework late at night I worry that I was to short with the kids after only getting (maybe) five hours of sleep. I wonder if my daughter will still like me when she's a teen. If they saw me smile and laugh enough. What their character will be like when they get older. If I were looking in, am I the mom I want to be and would be proud of? Did I do enough.
To be honest, the answers are sometimes scary. They aren't always what I want them to be. But I'm a beautiful work in progress. If I were perfect (and I am so far from it) my children wouldn't understand their need for a Savior. When I screw up I have the opportunity to embrace the moment and share my need for my Father or to let it slide and risk hurting my relationship them, but more importantly their Father.
This year has been really tough for me. I'm lonely, exhausted, stressed, hurt and the list goes on. There are things I wish I could do different. Words that I wish would have been filled with more grace and less anger. But today, I'm sitting here reflecting on the goodness of God and as I look at my sweet sleeping babes they are a constant reminder of my need for a Savior.