Wednesday, December 19, 2012

When the Answer is No

There has obviously been a lot of heartache over the shooting in Connecticut the last week.
Neither of my kids go to school, but I'm more grateful for the time I have with them each day.
Then yesterday we got the phone call, but it wasn't the phone call we were anticipating.

Two and a half weeks ago our family went to a weekend interview at a church.
We were blown away by what an amazing community they had and the connections we made.
Afterward we felt refreshed, on fire to enter ministry, and our heart longed to be there.
Honestly, when the call came we were not expecting the answer to be no.

The few days before there were a few little moments God was showing me that it might be no.
To prepare my heart.  
To remind me that He works out the little details.
That He's at work in my heart to prepare me for His plan.

On our way to the interview my husband said, "I don't feel closure leaving the factory, God is going to have to give me a big sign that it's time to move on."

I was blown away!!!!!

This man has been in college for years working to become a youth pastor.
He has worked at a life sucking factory job for almost four years.
And my husband says, "we might have to stay because I don't feel like God's work is finished there."
Thank you Lord for my husband the faithful servant.

God answered Evan's question, he's not done here. 
He's still there to influence the lives of his co-worked for His kingdom.

When we got the, "we went with someone else" call.
It felt little like mourning a death.
 Happy that we can rejoice in God's plan, but still saddened by our loss.  
A deep heartache.

And then it happened, God spoke to my heart.
He convicted me of so many things that matter more in this world. 
More then the fact that we have been wanting to move since we got married three years ago. 
Even more then living with my in laws for eighteen months, applying for job after job after job.
It breaks my heart that we live two hours from Morgan.

When our life on earth is done will we remember the pain in the trials or
will we rejoicing in who God has molded us into midst of sorrow?
Whose lives we have been able to touch through honoring His name.
Not just honoring, but also thriving in the midst of trial.

Will we let our trial define and consume us, causing depression or self pity?
Or will we honor God and let him shape us even more?

God has put a few things on my heart that need to change in my life.
Things that once were on the forefront, but then life happened.

Exhaustion set in.

I was just getting by.

I want to thrive! 

At my grandpa's funeral we sang "Blessed Be Your Name,"
in that moment as a junior in high school it felt like I was losing a lot.
My youth pastor moving, a friend going across the world, my grandpa dying, 
my sister moving across the country, relationships severed.
I remember singing that song with such conviction that I will bless His name 
when the blessings feel plentiful or when I feel like I'm in a desert.

As soon as we heard no that song was on my heart.
And as I've had time to process I'm realizing even more that though this 
might be a desert place for me, I don't have to act like it.  
I don't have to just get by with a smile of my face.
I try to have a positive attitude, but my heart longs for when it's our turn.

Lord take those feelings from me. 
Remind me of our true blessings.
Remind me of the things that matter more:.
Even when we have little, remind me to give abundantly.
Thank you Lord for speaking to my heart! 
Thank you for refreshing my heart through sorrow.

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